Will you blow on my dice?
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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