I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
