So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
