if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
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