the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I supernannyed him into submission
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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