A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
