I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
