omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
