textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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