My Higher Power is John Stamos
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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