I just saw a hot homeless man
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I think I just sharted jello shots
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