Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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