woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He better not be in your backpack
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
