I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
It was confusing and full of hummus
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
