you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
