My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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