Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
