I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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