Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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