You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
