so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
