A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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