I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
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