I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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