I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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