if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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