i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
