My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
