I cannot find my penis.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
40s are totally the cure
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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