He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
