I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
