so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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