I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Umm I'm too high to move.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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