I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
sarcasm needs its own font
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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