I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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