Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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