No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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