So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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