we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
