It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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