Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I have already put on my inside pants.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
