im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
