I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
