9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
