Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
