Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
