I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
