after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
