Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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