I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
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