I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
