i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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