Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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