Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I am available for nakedness
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
