don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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