I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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