I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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