Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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